Monday, December 13, 2010

Random Rambling

  I pretty much lived at work this weeksend.   So have been slacking on posting.  Real post coming this afternoon, while I visit some coffee joint!  Thank you to any readers out there in cyber land, that got lost trying to look up porn!  Please leave comments. 

No Name


   Pets:   Pets--I was going to stop going to work for awhile, because people could sense we had children or something They would leave unwanted pets just down the block sure that our kids would spot them out. Every time I came home we had another pet or 3. I wanted to at least start a petting zoo in the back yard to pay for some of the food. My gf is very very good at finding animals a new home though. Here are some ideas that didn't work as spiffy! Just drop them off in random yards. Most people here have 5 dogs anyway, it might take awhile for them to notice a sixth. Added fun -chain them in the new occupants yard. What are they gonna tell animal control, this random pet just showed up, and it has it's own chain, and is chained to my front door! Also score extra points, if the new owner can't get out their front door because of the tied up pet. Around valentines day add a note to a large bag of dog food with the new dog. Like it came from a secret admirer. Or to be a bit on the morbid side, say something like "Roses are red, tuck yourself tight in bed. Hope our love is true--either way I am watching you!"


   Play grounds---- No one leaves their kids alone anymore. Theirs like a wall of parents circling the playground equipment you have to break through to get your kids to play. Tire out all other kids by playing tag. And mostly myself. Other parents love it of course. Last time I was resting, those ten year olds are fast. And half the kids on the playground come up trying to get me back into the fierce tag game. I kept saying no, till this little fart, about 8 said "come on Mr. well take it easy on you. " Than it was on! Me wheezing after them especially that rat load. 8 year olds are fast in case you have not gotten the memo.

     Riding city trans *bus* Crazy people beacon like a neon light above me? They make me feel o so much better about my own life. What? you lost your dog, cow, first born and mother in a rare spegit eating accident. Replay that country song backwards and you will get them all back. Urge wear helmet with side view mirror on side and act crazy IE retarded. You have so much more leeway. NO one will slap a retard. May I sit in this chair, proceed to sit on attractive lady shaking head no. Face her and start to droll. Hit on anyone, woman, bikers, the driver. They wont say a word. Randomly just fall down while walking.

Best name badge ever!

Puking --- Taking dump, feels like needs to puke, traumatizing. Either one you cater to, will make huge mess. Ok if not own bathroom i.e. motel?

  Pumping own gas--- 2 states illegal to pump your own gas. Cause u are not trained, and could dump tons of gas on the ground, ruining the concrete filled environment. It does rock in OR cause that keeps you from getting out in the rain that only happens all day, every day. Wait, no it doesn't because they will not let you pay the attendants, you still have to get out of your car and enter the store.

   Trip home, so used to someone pumping gas kept waiting and waiting while father was holding back his grins. I was bitching about the crappy service when suddenly recalled I was not in OR anymore and bailed out of the car, just as my dad started to lose it. First moved to OR, there are no sings about it being highly illegal to pump your own gas. I had just figured every store gave awesome service. One on the coast, I had waited forever to get gas, and no one showed up so I jumped out and started pumping. I had 2 legs and alll last I checked. From out of no were, this hick came running at me, yelling put down the pump!! I threw that sob on the ground, spilling gas every were.
    My cooking----Mmm Mmm, bad! I seem to burn the shit out of everything, and than call it Cajun! My gf sees me heading to the kitchen and runs in front of me. "it's ok, it would be better if you went back to watching TV." Can do the basics like omelets, and cereal. Most just tastes like straw! Which brings us to whom determines what will save your life? Aloe Vera is great on skin, but who was out their squeezing all those plants to figure that? Did he squeeze the shit out of some poison ivy first _this is no Charmin! Or what great fool discovered weed was great to roll and smoke? What trees, plants, and frogs was he in the middle of the forest licking to determine this? Hopefully he did not live in the desert, were everything in the outdoors is sharp. And angry! Did he smell the plants before licking them? I tend to smell everything. Bad when worked in household chemicals. Many of those can make all your nose hairs curly. And I have a lot. *sniff the new plant, than lightly lick it tongue darting out 3 times. Than break off a lil for your dog to try. If he does not flop over or run off in a drug induced tail wagging orgy. Shove plant in your mouth

    Are you in line? -- hate that question. No real need for that question ever. If you are at Mc F*cks with four lines starting at the door and meeting at the registers, holding the door open with your head. Someone will ask are you in line? there are many answers to this. Few polite. At least some people do ask. Others just ease their way slowly side steeping till they are fully in front of you. Do they assume that all the seats are uncomfortable and you are standing to prevent hurting your delicate ass? "excuse me side steeping line cuter, would you prefer to see my fist in 3-d, or move to your position in line, over by the parking lot entrance sign.

    Thanks for playing! This phrase applies to so many situations and annoys people 98.8 percent of the time. Lets try. Your comedy routine sucked Mr. Adams, thanks for playing! I apologize you did not like the show tonight, and that you want your and everyone else's money back just for having to sit through it, but Absolutely no refunds *Thanks for playing! I understand that I was clocked at 88 in a school zone driving backwards, but my car does better under those conditions, thanks for playing~! Ok that one might lead to you playing in a jail cell. This is Bubba, he will break you in Thanks for playing!!

    Pregnancy tests------ "now easier" Was the peeing on a stick to complicated before. Woman would throw out the test and watch their wet hand waiting for it to turn blue or pink? If couples were having trouble with the old, complicated test, maybe they should not be having kids. Now they spell out if you are pregnant or not. Wow. Is their one for men to that spells it out. Maybe on the reverse side of the stick. Instead of saying Pregnant, or no baby for you! It says Buy her a ring, or run like hell! My gf was recently accused of not being a part of her last pregnancy with her x. How does that work? Did the dude grab a turkey baster one night while she was sleeping. I realize she sleeps soundly but damn. I don't think the warning labels on those say anything about not using to impregnate your spouse. If it does, I'm sure it says wash thourhly after each use. Now each X'mas, I have this urge to put a turkey baster in her stocking. ! We are both vertically challenged. To be P.C. I hate that crap. Your not a midget, you're an looked over OZ character. Just say what your thinking. If you say the wrong thing, learn how to run real fast, cracker boy.

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