Thursday, December 9, 2010

Moo Juice and Coffee!

                 **The guy that discovered milk, what was he doing to that poor cow? **

                       **"Hand over my coffee, and no one gets hurt!**---Garfield

Turn your Head and Cough..
    Mornings are not my strong point, in case you have not gotten the memo.  Possibly because I get my second wind around midnight each day.  Obviously on those daze im “alive” before noon, coffee is my best friend and many times the only one people can actually see.  And I like it strong.  Some days I swear through the eye sand I can see the coffee stirring itself!   Back in high school I would awaken on the weekends at four am   yes I typed am  , ride a bus all day so I could run.   This torture known to some as track was way before I learned the joys of coffee.   What a burst of energy I was missing, by simply eating chocolate.  Would cafrfine show up on the drug tests though?  After you broke through the finish line, you just keep going, straight for the restrooms.  
    Some days, before work I intake enough caffeine, I’m ready to leave my car at the cafe and run to work.  Of course I would be very disappointed after work, not having my car their.  When my eyes start jiggling the waitress cuts me off.  Lots of mornings coffee allows for being a quick cashier, or column writer, this one took me two minuets to tye.  Although my publicist figures two weeks, that’s how long he waited for it.
    All this talk, leads us to wondering  (us means me in this case) who the post hero is that brought the thick magic liquid to the U.S. paving the way for a Starbucks on every corner.  My advanced history book, with no signs of racial slurs, WWI, or the holocaust, shows that the Earl of Cof   whom grew up in Brazil   maybe or maybe not in Valdezes Wons culdisac, discovered that roasting coffee beans was good.  After electricity was found in China, he learned that heat made cof faster than simply placing the beans in warm water.  Wich lead to lumpy cof.  Notice I call it cof, later he decided the name unfit and expanded it to coffee.  Once on a business trip to Seattle, he introduced the wonder drink.  Everyone looks to Seattle as the trend setter and it spread from their.  
    This of course is a condensed history, because I am running out of coffee in my cup.  And because my average reader has an 5.5 minute attention span.  Wich means I lost most of you about three lines ago, and could make fun of you right now. *Look how you move your lips while your read this...* I am above that, having many other things to make fun of, and almost being to the end of this article.  If you would like the full coffee story, send me $3.99.   Or ask your kids for their history books.  Believe me they will not know the exact location in their locker of their book and sending me the cash will be much quicker. 

Small towns:

   I grew up in a very small town.  Village almost.  So this topic will come up again fo sure!

    Not growing up were cows out number people  it might be unknown how funny cows really are.  Just look at the name.  Anyway, another sure fire way to learn about were someone grew up is to ask them if they have ever been cow tipping.  If they stare at you with a blank stare, not unlike a cow stare.  Do not know what a mom and pop store is, or a dirt road, they are from a big town.  If they mention the increasing thrill of cow tipping per beer consumption, their from a very small town.  Yes cow tipping is real, and not an urban legend, unfortunately for the cows.  Now not saying, I ever did the sport, but we used to get tired of pushing the cows by hand and use a pickup.  Not to unlike a scene from the movie Cars.  The trick was to find a vehicle that could blast through cow trails, but was quiet enough to not backfire in the cows face, also amusing.  The cows really do like all this, it’s soothing after a hard day of chewing and being milked.  Think of us hicks as the masseuses for cows. 
    One note I can provide is to always make sure it is a cow ones tipping.  As in, not a bull.  They are much quicker on the re bound.  Wich brings us to water spotted leather coats.  Have you ever seen a water spotted cow?  They don’t all run in the barn at the first crack of thunder.  Cows chewing is great though, could the beer one cold consume with nine stomachs?  Of course still having one bladder might be a minor set back.  So, what do cows do all day?  As a trained animal planet watcher, trying  to see various animals try and make babies, they wait in fields for some mini van full of kids to drive by and moooooo at them.   So they can stare back at them.  What is that, do we make noise at any other animals while passing?  What if a minivan full of kids went by and mooed at you?  After you lost 80 pounds you would ignore them too.   I mean, your in a whole field of food!

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