Monday, December 6, 2010

The Crock Hunter

Never finished--but I like this one! I like it a lot!

The Crock Hunter: In Crikey He’s Pissed off,
Or don’t stick your finger their you bloke.

*Steven the C H enters the shot by jumping out of his still moving jeep and somersaulting onto the camera mans assistant. Taking them both down in a cloud of dust. His Oregon native wife jumps into the still moving vehicles drivers seat and stops the jeep just before it runs over their over active dog who is yapping at some kangaroo dung, unaware of the close call. "G day all and welcome to another episode of the Crock hunter!" Underneath me here is a rare bread of human, He puts his life on the line to follow my every move, and only makes enough money to impress a female kangaroo." (Steve’s eyes get big) as he pushes the camera mans helpers head into view of the shacking camera (as the camera man is laughing so hard) (Steve jumps up and runs to his wife, running circles around her) "My wife and I are about to help the national Australian society do something for wildlife and you get to watch it all!" Nothing you see on this show should be duplicated, I have spent years studying and outright just testing out safety with wild animals and if you were to try these stunts you’d be a Jackass (trademark) Also rember most of these animals are native to the outback. Hunting for them in say southern LA might prove a long hunt, unless you live near a zoo." Ok, back to the fun! Steve jumps back in the jeep and zigzags down the rural road as he talks to the camera and attempts to drive.
"First off we are going to rekindle my good spirits at the local pub." (Brakes screech as Steve suddenly veers to the left and parks right outside the pub. Camera crew slams into the lot just behind him. Four hours latter the hunters are off again. Next we are chasing the Horney toed black eagle. They like to survey the country from far atop trees like the ones around us. Those telephone poles also hold their interest--as he once again slams on the brakes and releases a live rat on the ground. Look at the wingspan of the creature as it glides down toward the ground after the friegtned mouse. Unfortunately the camera crew wasn’t as quick on the break pedal and screeches to a halt on top of the eagle pouncing on the mouse. Crikey, I hope the mouse is Ok, I borrowed him from the zoo. Now, this eagle is still alive and the constant wing spreading and pecking at my face demonstrates. Notice again the wingspan of this creature, and the power of his beak! Oww!, easy little fellow -as Steve loses a bit of his face. We will take this fine specimen back to the hospital and heal him and than re-tag him. I say re-tag because their are already 3 collars on it. Let me check the sex real quick---camera crew scans the country side, as feathers float into the scene. Crikey, he’s not a happy camper!
Alright and were off again mates. Stops jeep again in the middle of a huge muddle puddle. Look at the size of this water hole! The cameraman actually has to move around to focus on the amazing size. It’s large enough their could be a sunken jeep or crock in their--- (Steve jumps on top of the jeep and than head first into the muddy water) Wowza! For as wide as this puddle is, its not very deep. We can easily drive through this and cut seconds of our schedule looking for a 3 eyed bass at Mcarney lake. The lake is very near the countries biggest nucular power provider whom supposedly never dumps chemicals into the lake. "Watch this!" as Steve jumps his jeep over a huge hill in the road. Crikey my wife looks mad. (As she holds her head from hitting the vehicles roof.) Steve slows the jeep to a slow crawl as a heard of Kangaroos hops past in the distance. "I would stop, but they do not call me the Kangaroo hunter."
The jeep sputters back into high speed just before the camera toting van almost rear ends the overactive star of the show. Steve and wife fly through a groove of trees until he suddenly stops the caravan once again. He jumps over the jeeps window and onto the hood of the vehicle, pointing at a nearby overhanging branch. The camera man struggles to find something more exciting than a half dead tree branch as Steve grabs for the tree retrieving a salamander. "Look at the camouflage on this creature, with that and his size spotting them is almost impossible. But with my trained eye (and the jeep ahead of us planting the lizard well) I was able to pick him right out as we drove by. Notice how his camouflage is making him pale and the same color as my hand. Also notice the twisting of his tiny tail, wich means he is not a happy down under camper. Now notice the brown liquid coming out of his mouth, yes this side is his mouth. Steve tosses the lizard "This one has adapted to be able to fly!" As his wife grabs the medicine kit. She explains while doctoring Steven up, "You see, that brown liquid is the lizards second form of defense. It is a very strong poison that will not kill a human but really stings like the dickens." Right Steve?" Unfortunately Steve can’t answer because his wife was to busy looking at the camera to notice she put the gauze over his face instead of his now swelling hand. Soon Steve is enjoying the view from the passenger side as he points and jumps around the jeep. "Aw haw the lake."
The following caravan applauds at not having to keep up with Steve anymore. Little do they know he is soon spotted blowing up a raft with his mouth. Their dog supervises the waterfront. Suddenly the boat goes airborne. It sprung a leak and flew out of Steve’s hands, as their fearless dog chasses it barking all the way. "Wowzers mates" large eyed Steve reenacts the scene with his hands followed by him running in a zig zag pattern. He walks to the rear of the jeep and pulls out an metal boat. "Ol standby here." Steve holds the boat in place as his wife prepares to board. Unfortunately just as she is getting in, Steve spots a very shiny rock. "Golly look at this bute!" Struggles to keep a hold of the slippery rock. "It’s a lively one!" Loud splash is heard in background as his wife floats out of the scene. Steve jumps to the front of the boat with one knee up and hand over his eyes starts yelling. "Here fishy fishy!" Suddenly, as his wife struggles to keep the boat from tipping, he dunks his head under the water. The cameraman dives into the lake to get the shot. "Blob blooober blooooooooob!" (This water is incredibly diverse and dirty.) He pulls himself back into the boat. His wife stops being ready to drag his near drowning body out of the water. "Theirs one of the rare 3 eyed bass now!" Cameraman desperately scans the lake trying to find anything beyond water. Steve paddles like mad near the middle of the vast lake and using his net flops at the water. Up he pulls a large stick of driftwood. "Crikey that’s one ugly fish!" He examines the wood for awhile before deciding it’s under the legal limit and throwing it back. "This lake is a huge part of the local ecology. Every creature from miles around lives and uses this water basin for one reason or another....... Starts his wife, "Right!" Says Steve. But were going to move on, because I can’t find a fish for nothing besides theirs no crocks to wrestle in this fresh water." They slowly paddle back to shore. Unfortunately its the opposite shore from their vehicles.
"Crikey, this looks like a long walk, plenty of time to reflect and pounce on more animals." Shhhhh, their is a very rare breed of chicken!" Steve creeping ever closer to the skittish animal pulls a large bag out of his many pocketed shorts. Its full of sugar cubes he explains as he moves slowly toward the animal. He slowly holds out 2 of the cubes and than tosses them over his shoulder for good luck as he devours the reaming sugar in the bag. "Needed to replenish my sugar high." Now he bounces into the air and catches the animal using the now empty bag to corner it. "These chickens are very rare, because after they hatch eggs, they get very hungry and eat every other egg. They also are not natives to the land, and often mate with kangaroos, causing them to be pecking jumping hazards. They also don’t like being in bags much, look at how angry he looks." Well just release him over here near the pond, the animals are also known to swim like rocks." Notice the angry pecking, and how high his jumping can alloy him to peck someone as we run towards our vehicles."
Camera zooms in on Steve as his pupils grow large, and he explains that the next few miles of country is a very religious region to the Southern bom a rang natives and they will have to blank out any footage for the next few miles. Keeping them happy is very important to us, and not showing the land on tape will allow us to say we never drove through their land. Picture cuts to Steve wrestling a giant croc as his wife steadies their flimsy boat and their dog stands in the bow barking like crazy. "This is one unhappy daddy croc, and I forgot to bring my ropes or sugar cubes. Were going to leave him to his water hole so that maybe we can get some good footage of him attacking other thirsty animals, just as soon as I can unhook my arm from his jaw. You can almost see a smile on his mouth as my arm bleeds heavily, but it’s just a surface wound and I smile bigger while im bitting any crocodile. "Ok next time we hit crocodile infested waters I am not bringing the paddle boat, cuts to Steve paddling the boat in a large circle. "Guess we are out of the holey land of sorts, I’m not positive because their aren’t dark lines on the countryside like my kool map has." Camera shows Steve perched on the lead jeeps hood, doing some kind of jig dance.

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