Saturday, December 18, 2010

Baby Food and Other Horrers


                   **"Just cause you can make kids, doesn't mean you should."**

      **"You aren't having a baby, thats a cheeseburger stuck in your colon!"**--Q-Tip

                     **Any D*ck can father a kid, but it takes a dad to be a father."**

                     **Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk."**

                                       **"Sponge Bob is not a contraceptive!"**---Bart Simpson

                                              **"I practice safe sex, by leaving the lights on."**
                                         **"My spluge glows in the dark!"**

        **It's easier to change a condom than a diaper."**---Public service commercial

    I personally know some great parents.   I have a few I call my own in fact!  I would never claim to be a great parent.  Although I get along with kids well.   We often think on the same thought waves!   But to put it short, some people should never have kids.    Never ever, after years of classes and expired warrants.  So many great parents are already out their.   And some have not been able to prove it yet, because they can not have children for whatever reason. 
    A few examples---and I am sure this list will keep expanding.     Any big-un on the discovery channel that went into the hospital for pain or cramps and left with a baby.   If you are so large, you can't tell the difference between a baby kicking, or that BBQ sauce kick.  Or can not even recall having sex nine months ago, for what ever reason.   Should have to give up their parenting rights for twenty-six free burgers.   Sometimes called lunch. 
    If one has to go on TV with a small tribe of men to find a potential baby goo doner.
    An interesting couple I meet at Wally World.   They had both meet while working at the store.  Nothing wrong with that.  But soon found the need to get married in the store.   It was the most white trash thing I have ever seen.   Complete with the Mc D's arches as their background, the couple was married in the front of the store.   No customers were warned, and most viewed the scene with huge eyes.   The entire management team found it effective to stand behind myself during the ceremony.   Like anyone could make it any worse on the eyes.  I think even I started to cry, but not because of the beauty or love emitted.   Some other feeling was taking over.   At the end of the ceremony the happy couple jumped on two electric carts.   One that said Just and the other Married on the back, and zoomed out of the store.  Perhaps on their way to a honey moon at the local Hometown Buffet!

    A brief history of the couple, to help add to reasons why their kids are in a word, doomed!  The blushing bride was largish and we called her Hungry Hungry Hippo.   She alone wore a nice path in the tile to the break room candy machine.   Her husband wasn't the brightest match in the reject pile.   He worked in the tire and lube center.  And was later fired for riding on the car lifts.  Not as much for riding them, but for falling off the lift.   He was soon spotted flopping around on the ground in the oil.   And is more than likely collecting disability still.

Your bouncing baby boy!!!!
     Many people I know are great parents or would make awesome parents.  But many -maybe to many, for the above reasons and more should never have sex again to ensure they never have kids.   I have told many, with great joy that their kids are doomed if they ever have any.   And relating this fact is way more enjoyable than maybe it should be. 
    If you have never watched Carlos Mencia's Dee Dee Dee video  you really should check it out!   It explains everything I have just said to a T.   Durps   should not have kids either.   They are close to Dee Dee Dee's.   Stands for  Dim-witted Urban Redneck Paroles and I had several run ins with one lately.  

  **"Any parent is only as good as their dumbest kid, if one wins a Nobel prize, but the other gets tied up and robbed by a hooker, you failed    thanks for playing!"**
                    **"How did Mr Crabs have a baby whale?"**

      Pregnancy tests------ "now easier" Was the peeing on a stick to complicated before. Woman would throw out the test and watch their wet hand waiting for it to turn blue or pink? If couples were having trouble with the old, complicated test, maybe they should not be having kids. Now they spell out if you are pregnant or not. Wow. Is their one for men to that spells it out. Maybe on the reverse side of the stick. Instead of saying Pregnant, or no baby for you! It says Buy her a ring, or run like hell! My gf was recently accused of not being a part of her last pregnancy with her x. How does that work? Did the dude grab a turkey baster one night while she was sleeping. I realize she sleeps soundly but damn. I don't think the warning labels on those say anything about not using to impregnate your spouse. If it does, I'm sure it says wash thoroughly after each use. Now each X'mas, I have this urge to put a turkey baster in her stocking.

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