Friday, December 17, 2010

Jogging is For Dummies!?

    I was in track for many a year.  Main draw back to going to a small school might be inexperienced coaches.   One coach was the librarian and the other was Stubby, the shop teacher.  I will just say, I got "smart" before my senior year and didn't make it to the state track meet.  When I am motivated, I try to get out and jog.   My last favorite jogging buddy is about 25 years older than me, and makes me look like a professional runner!

I'm behind the tree, posin!

     Why do most roadside joggers look in such bad shape?   Is not running supposed to be healthy?  They often look like they put down their cigarettes long enough to run a mile or two, and than cough up a lung or three.  Maybe that's why joggers run near busy roads.  If the jogger suddenly stops, and does not enter a donut shop, but drops rolling into a fetal position.  Maybe someone driving by will help them.  And or take them to the hospital.  Now, I have ran enough not to knock the sport, but a gradual increase in exercise seems best in my book.  And believe me it is a short, boring, but accurate book of what not to do!   Start with a brisk jog around the block and than try for the marathon!
    Back in my youth, I ran several miles a day or at least the part when the track coach was watching.  Now unless cops are involved, running is out.   A few weeks back it was raining and I ran four blocks, wich about killed me.  Part of the reason was the fifteen dollars in quarters in my pockets (it was laundry day) OK back to jogging.  I recommend running in fun places.   This will keep you interested.  The local mall, around your bar stool, etc.  For increased thrills, carry a large bag while you run and randomly glance behind you.  Or do sprints across the local interstate.
    It is also great to share your pain.  Invite someone to run with you.  Always pick someone that is in worse shape than yourself.  Someone you can run circles around.  If they are large, it is not appropriate to count each lap around their body as a full workout.  Building up your endurance leads up to my best weight loss program yet.  Richard Simmons starts hitting on you.  If you can not outrun him, he asks you out.  I personally lost 145 pounds the first week.  And I have the Polaroids before and after to prove it.  *Body features such as scares and hair color might not match.

Another exercise

Another great form of exercise
    Like golf players, you need the proper bad looking attire to start and become a true jogger.  Bright colors are the best, it lets you stand out and gives the drivers something to aim for.  Always recall that spandex makes you more aerodynamic, thus faster.   It helps to suck in your beer gut, making you smaller and more stream lined.   I once was in track with a guy that shaved his legs during track season.  I have very hairy legs, almost leg sweaters and shaving would take forever.  Not that it is ever going to happen.  The minute mil a seconds he shaved off his running time, was seldom noticeable when one comes in dead last in the race.  The right shoes also can make or break a runner.   Football cleats might break you.  It is important to have very comfortable shoes so that calecus and such will be kept to a minimum.  Although eventually these become so thick that nothing hurts.   Also the better the shoe the further you can run.  After conditioning you can jog all the way to the local coffee shop.   This saves all that extra gas for driving to the local track, because no one runs to the running spot.  And you have now have more gas to drive to the supermarket.   All that running makes you hungry.
    As a trained watcher of the track channel, I can say with authority that they can run dang fast and for a long time.  I can also say that conditioning is key.  I can say all of this from my extra comfy spot on the couch.   To be a great after work jogger, you need to eat right, build yourself up, and fill your water bottle with bottled water.  All the best joggers use energy drinks like Propel, to propel you.   As in, not beer.  Jogging while intoxicated can be fun, but might be frowned upon in your city.  A JUI?  I know you can get picked up from biking drunk.  Energy bars will also make you be able to jog at least an extra block.  They all taste like expired chalk though.  It's easier on your taste buds to lick the cat before taking off on your run.  Soon you will be able to run three blocks without breaking a sweat and your kids will be behind you instead of yelling for you to catch up , Baldy!

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