Saturday, December 18, 2010

Flying High

                                                   **I am flying away soon, like a G6!**

Were you go if you fail security check

New tight security!

    I have not enjoyed flying for about six years now.  And am almost excited for a full body scan at the airport!   Maybe they can tell me what my doctor can not?  Lately to cut costs, I have been taking the bus.  You defiantly get your money's worth because even a trip two towns down takes twelve hours and no fewer than 32 stops.   Just think of the fun a cross country trip could allow you! 
    Last time I flew, the stewardess announced that she had been in the air most of the day and was taking a break.  She left the beverage cart under our watchful eye, and we did not see her again until it was time to land.  At that point I believe she was part of  three twins!  Between Seattle, WA and Eugene, OR I had seven beers.  Air time approximately forty minutes.  One thing I can say for sure, altitude affects my beer consumption a lot.   The jury is still out if it effects in a negative or positive way.  Soon after being reunited with my luggage, I was ecstatic that someone had actually arrived at the airport to pick me up.   I was also very drunk.  On the trip, I had "burrowed" a Wyoming license plate for my collection.  They are very kool, and it is were I was born and raised.  For whatever reason it was my new primary goal to show the shocked driver my new prize.   We were still in the middle of the airport, and I started throwing things out of my suitcase to find the well hidden licence plate.   Some how she wasn't as impressed as I was.

Slow but cheap
    Before all that fun, I had a six hour lay over in Seattle.  Online tickets are cheaper, but they usually leave you stranded for half a day.  Seattle airport is large enough that it is entertaining, but about an hour into sightseeing, I was ready to tick of a security guard just for some excitement, and maybe a good cardo workout.  And somehow ended up in the bar.   Unlike on TV, no pilots were in the bar.  They must have their own bar.  I soon noticed no beverages on the menu had prices.  After ordering a Bud Light I learned why.  Not saying it was expensive, but I could have bought an six pack at a store cheaper.  I asked for a straw so I could enjoy my golden beer.  
    I wrote the following rambling after my last flight, so it is old.   I am sure after this, very near voyage I will have new insights for y'all.   Enjoy?

      So, what is the most fun of flying on a plane?  Getting off.   Actually I have not logged many hours in the air but, have come to hate the extra small *(puddle jumper) planes.   They are tight inside, so if you did get surrounded by big-un's or screaming kids, their is no were to escape except to hold the bathroom hostage.  And these planes jump around a lot in turbulence.  I was waiting for a recent plane to land upside down after hitting terrible turbulence at an airport in Billings, MT.  What is great about this airport, is they have what must be a plane bone yard near the edge of the airfield.  So after coming in upside down, stomach turning, you fly over miles of plane parts.  From high enough up, it looks like the charred remains pushed off the runways from last night.
    I would rather fly long journeys than drive, for many reasons.  You can relax and how many of your cars have peanut toting stewards?   Although not to many cars lose air pressure and plummet fifteen thousand feet?  But for how many flights go per day, causitly rates are very low.  I wish I could say the same for my driving record!
    If all this has thrilled you, and your rushing to your nearest ticket booth.  Here are some tips for your next flight.  Always buddy up with those passengers around you.  Especially those making it obvious human contact is evil.  They are secretly signaling their frear to you!  Also buddy up well with the stewardess.  They defiantly know how to survive a crash and they do have all those peanuts.  Also watch how you pronounce peanuts.  The word has been known to come out sounding more like a male anatomy part.  And the results really are not as amusing as one might think!
    What should become carry on luggage?  The simple answer to this, is everything!  Purchase a backpack and carry-on bag.  Maybe a backpack for your backpack.  Wear all clothing you are taking.  What luggage should be checked?  Nothing, what were you smoking, and why are you not sharing?   Everything you take, becomes carry on to the true flyer.  Sure you might walk on the plane looking like a bloated Arctic penguin, but your a bloated penguin with a change of clothes once the plane lands. 

Best backpack ever?
    As your ticket says, always arrive at the airport well before your departure.  This allows lots of time to pass security.  With the rise in body piercings, you are more likely to land behind someone with more metal attached to their body, than is found in your car.  No matter how annoying or time consuming these people may be, do not start conflicts with them.  Think about it, they know what pain is.  Arriving at the airport early also allows lots of time to become familiar with the airport.  Very familiar, because your plane did not arrive early.

Coffee!  Best part of any airport!
    OK, one last "test" for you.   After the plane lands and everyone files to the baggage claim, and than the lost and found counter.  How long should you wait for your luggage to come off the plane?   Approximately 0.0 minutes.  Have you been reading the same blog as the rest of us? if you answered anything else!   ALL you own is in your possession from the plane ride. 

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