Friday, January 7, 2011

New State Mottos? Or Gypsy Tails

  I tend to move a lot.  Always have.   My family and I constantly rotate the Earth in a completely random moving pattern.  

                AZ-  Land of the sweating sun.  Only things grow here are cactus and snakes.  I had several way to close calls with snakes while in the state.  One was a neon orange snake.  I did not get a great look at it, while I was running the other way, but am positive it was a snake and not say a garden hose.  I can not find one like it in any book, or online.  But am sure the bright colors mean it was bad ass and dangerous.   And everything is sharp and or wants to eat you.     I think is the heat, it just pisses animals and people off.    More people moving here than any other state.   Y?   I just sold my 80  and got an 10 acre track home landscaped in dirt.  The landscape changes every time the wind blows.  So daily.  It is 80 outside in the winter, and I am never more than 10  minutes from a Wal-Mart!   Ok maybe I should not do commercials for the state tourism board.  If you have road rage at all, stay away.  People in this state can carry guns as long as not concealed.  And they do.  And they do happily!   Like one strapped to each limb.     Getting cold in the desert--- We have had almost a month of cold.  I left 3 states to get away from cold.  Know it says nothing in the brochures about freaking cold.  It is supposed to always be hot here=desert!   I swear it says something about 24 hrs of sunshine.!
    Snow in hell-- heard rhomers and threats about snow in the desert but didn’t think it was true.  How can it snow were it is 120 in the shade?  Did just so the other day.  Nothing was sticking of course.  And the kids were way to excited.  Just means we have lived in the land of the sweating sun to long.  They /I have forgotten what the white stuff is.  Easy down front, not talking about Coke--this time.  I grew up were that’s all it does, snow that is.  Ok to be fair, only 9 months out of the year.  Coke is probably all a lot do their to.  Cold dark wet , and they wander why the pregnancy rate is so high.  What else is their to do?  If I still lived their I would probably have 22 kids, and my own baseball team! 
      Valley fever--- No it’s not support for your favorite valley team.  I was just diagnosed with that.  Apparently there is so much loose dust blowing around, beyond getting in your eyes, and mouth, it gets in your lungs.  And makes some people sick.  The entire state, that isn’t under buildings mostly wal marts, is blowing dust.  An actual plus for the box stores, they keep acres and acres of dirt from blowing in your face.  Also priceless in covering up those annoying swamps and ponds that used to mark the edge of town!  Unless the runoff from the store makes the swamps glow a bright green in the middle of the night.  Again, I should not do publicity for any organization, probably including my own books.  “Buy this book to keep me….. See?       So apparently there are two cures.  Stop breathing in the dirt, or move.  Or you can take a horse pill every day for the rest of your life in AZ!  When do you stop taking the pill?  When you have your U Haul blasting down the highway, dust clouds at your back, laughing at alllll the U Hauls heading toward AZ! 

                Oregon----   Always wear your rubbers when IT'S wet!   Everything grows their, once you get used to your webbed feet.   Could throw a bag of bagels in front dirt covered yard, well mud covered, and have grass growing a week later.    Balls itching constantly first moved their.    Try working with that.  Jump around the corner to help customer,
As you try to scratch with your mind.  And than hurry the customer along.      Major teams the ducks and beavers, so intimidating they both are.    Hikes, always waiting to trip into someone’s pot field.  We were usually on private property in the middle of no were lost.  Never did find anything kool.    Hikes usually involved 2 of us, no one else went on a second hike with us.   Falling down hills, while lost  saying this is why were single!    Buddy extremely scared of spiders.  I always reminded-they don’t eat much.  Id be ahead busting out a trail, hear loud screaming.   Rushing back, thinking he fell off a cliff-he standing their, holding self, pointing at a spider.  Like hiking with a gal!    Course he knew I was equally or more scared of snakes.  Randomly through sticks at my yelling, it’s a flipping snake!!   Hours of fun.    Hikes with Pork Chop.  Larger boy that went on more than one hike with us!   One long ass hike, going straight up this huge ridge trying to beat a rain storm.  Meaning their was a break in the rain---it was summer!     We lost sight of him, and could not hear heavy breathing any more.   Look back and he is curled in the fetal position way down the hill.   Resting.    We have no pic  so to this day   he claims not in fetal position.    Sneaker waves--
-  Beaver state---mostly just saw them dead on the road.   Taxidermist friend, stuff them in diff sex positions for around the house. 

                Washington---    Major tourist sight for me, very first S bucks in Seattle,  cause it is dark and gloomy every day.  They actually sell boxes of light their.  That  simulates the sun coming up and setting.  What a racket.  What do you do?  Well I sell lights to gloomy people that are sick of 360 daze of rain.    Others not as impressed.  I recall scaring the crap outta two locos while asking them to take my picture in front of the, in my head famous building.  Beautiful country though, mtns. Bays ocean o my!  People not from the great north west, do not understand how important coffee shops are.  Makes the daily clouds not as bad, and makes you o so mellow.     They sell light boxes.   And it is so depressingly dark so much of the year, you want to buy one.  Sets off a sun like glow that dims some during the day   in your house.  And the coffee houses are every were.  It would even take someone that became jobless from spending so much time drinking coffee, their life to hit even half of the coffee houses in WA.  So maybe they could hit half of the Starbucks in the state!  They are on every corner kind of like Walgreens.  You can sit in one and wave at the drinkers on the other 3 corners.   With so many new stores opening.  Soon they will have to open a new s bucks inside the restrooms of the current locations.  How awkward is that, you sound like you are having trouble in their sir, here is a special brew, we call it our pooping potion!  You have beenur away from your caffeinated beverage for awhile now, can I freshen it up?  Baristas, double as towel holders when you are done in the restroom.  Do those workers never have to wash their hands, because they don’t actually leave the bathroom?    After three years in AZ, it is so strange to be were there are liquor stores again.  You can buy any kind of beverage, from beer to hard A at Wall Mart in AZ.  Usually on isle number 13.  Truly makes it one stop shopping for any red neck.  I got my bullets, tequila, hair dye, dog food, fishing licence, denture cream, and diapers in one stop y’all!  Plus they have drive through liquor stores their.  You can’t drink and drive, but…   Sometimes I am sure they become actual drive though stores, after the driver has had twenty to many drinks.  And the liquor stores close early in these states.  You have to think about and plan a party early to have the appropriate beverages. 

                Montana ---Big sky country.     Reasonable and prudent.   Used to have no speed limits.   *reasonable and prudent.    Which meant you made the highway patrol happy, or you got a ticket.  If it was snowing, blowing, and raining, and your sports car had bald tires as you were going 120, backwards through a school zone you might as well have fun with the cop, cause  it was reasonably to think you were not prudent and going to jail.   Do not pass go.      To many people died and they went back to having speed limits.    But most of the roads are so wide open.   About the only thing  to hit   is sage brush.    Or cows,  actually saw a Geo hit a  cow.  If it wasn’t a cowpact before  it became one.    So boring, and they only fix the roads in tar patchworks, not a whole road at a time.  I can not recall whole parts of the trip home,   and can’t connect it to drinking  solely boredom!

                Wyoming---  Sheep, they aren’t just for wool!   Sheep are safe!   Claims to fame are being the cow boy state, and being the equality state.   Goes down hill from their.   Sheep constant joke.  Wear Velcro gloves in public once and it follows you for life.  Story bout --- cow & sheep trailers I will tell soon. 
                S Dakota----   We got more snow than  residents.   At least they have Mount Mushmore and tourist traps every were.  Why would anyone else want to go their, except to get away from N Dakota.  = we got more snow than S Dakota!!   I am sorry for anyone from their, not because I am about to make fun of the dreaded state, but because you have once lived their---or worse yet   have to go back their after your vacation. 
New York   -  We survived  9-11  now we have a reason to be rude.
N.J.  -- The Statue of Liberty is on our side---look it up!
CA.  Were taking over  one state at a time.  Or learn how to swim, before we fall into the ocean.
Colorado--The other square state.     They do have South Park as a claim to fame.  Two hicks from their were so bored that they created a cult classic that is hours of enjoyment. 
Texas---Only steers and queers come from here.   Ok I have never been to Texass so I will only make fun of the state a little bit.    But maybe if everything is bigger their   I should visit with my gf.  She will finally think my dick is abnormally large.    
Idaho---no you the ho! 
Utah---9 Mormons per every Norman!!
AZ--Land of the sweating sun!

Louisana—New land owning opportunities cheap
Arkansas--Repent or move!----**I have a full blog about the strange happenings going on in this state.  Check it out.

No comments:

Post a Comment