Thursday, January 6, 2011

Future Book Intro?

    One day I sat down and tried to write enough comic material for a stand up act.  I still have not got the courage to do so.  But stood up, with pages and pages of random thoughts.  Some of them were atually amusing.  As in excatly two!   My blog is mostly here to make you laugh.  But I hope that as I keep up on it, I will have more material and advance in my writing.  Maybe years down the line, I can take best blog entries, pay an editor very well  and turn them into a book.  So that everyone buying it can be annoyed.   The following is on possiable book intro.

       Hello folks! My name is Steven initials spell SLA or SA for my Spanish amigos SA! and this is my first night on the stage so save your tomato throwing to the end. When you know for sure the act sucked, not just by my word, and I can collect them in a bucket. The lovely lady towards the back yelling Booo is my fiancé, she has stuck by my side in the 12 years it took me to get up here. She is near the back cause she has awesome tomato throwing aim. And because she fears I will find a way to bring her on stage. I just did the next best thing, shine that spotlight on her.!
*Writers notes on the notes. Yo yo! **find blurbs in file cabnet…
I open with an apology, not all of my random thoughts are the cleanest. Although my mind does not stay in the gutter, it does have a nice summer home their. I if have any luck at all am full of bad luck. So, have long ago learned to be amused. Many times I am the only one laughing, but as long as I’m happy right? Sitting down trying to get enough materiel for a short stand up comedy routine, I ended up with pages and pages of materiel. I compared it to the blank pages of my memories and sent this one to a publishing company. Possiably induced from my youth when I used to drink like a fish. I believe that I have killed off many brain cells, and the few that are left floating around have lots of room to roam. When two finely do bump into each other I show my goofy ass smile, wich also could mean I farted, or that I had a brain storm and yet another chapter for this book! I think there are few things better than making someone laugh, and hope that days from now, when you get off the floor, shake yourself off and stop laughing you turn away from the back cover with my picture on it, and turn to page one.
These pages have no long stories. And many unfinished thoughts. My copy, signed by the author, sits in our bathroom and is well read. I have learned that because of the internet and T.V. and such, the average reader has an attention span of 5.6 minutes. *All figures scientifically made up. Wich is why my sif. other talks very quickly when we are arguing. This is also why I figure that I lost most of you about a paragraph ago, and could now start making fun of your faciel twerks or that you move your lips as you read. I am above that, and will make fun of everything else. I hope that this book stays in your restroom and is well worn from your short visits to the family office. *It is easier to use the restroom if you place my picture face down while on the pot.
This book has a gurentee that runs out as soon as you exit the store. I do not cover any damages the book may incure. Including paper cuts, wrecks from reading the book while driving, or sore sides from laughing so hard. Although if you complain about the later, I would personally come to your house and kick you in the shins, so your side will not pain you as much! And than thank you, not for buying my book but for being a realative of mine, the only people that still think I am funny-and not just funny looking.
All names have been changed –not to protect the innocent, you all know what you have done. And I am sure can see past a code name. But were changed to protect the most innocent, myself. Hopefully it will save my butt if you are too retarded to realize the story about my fried friend who liked to lick live lizards not only has to many L’s in it, but is not about you. Put down your lizard and toke it up!, Jim. Plus it is quality fun to pick different names for the people you know.
As you may or may not have noticed, there are no pictures in this book. If you saw lots of pictures, including a pop up on page 56 and your entire book doubled as a flip book, you hit our highest sales profile. If after reading the last sentence you tried to see the pretty flip book, you fall in the same bracket. There are a few reasons for the bland pages. First off, everything I draw turns into stick figures that look like they are on crack. And I was to cheap to afford a real artist. In fact this very book was supposed to be 89 pages longer, but I could not afford to cut down any more trees. And B, the artists I did find-could not turn my twisted thoughts into pictures that were approperate for readers under the age of 62.
Writer can not gurentee every story actually happened to him or her. If a story sounds like something you have drunkenly told me in a dive like bar, God bless achole. Some story’s started out as fact, and than took on a mind of their own. Their minds became more stable than mine and usually more amusing. Some words are just overly amusing to me. Because of this I have included an glosery near the end of the book. It would deffinatly not be approved by Funk and Wagnails, and the definitions were approved by my drunkin buddies. If you do not approve, put down your dictionary and I will tell you were to stick it. And in my next book I will personally issue you an apology followed by a very unappealing story even worse than the one you complained about. Feel free to thank me now, thanks for playing!
For those of you that are easily confused and thought you bought a real book. Sometimes you really can judge a book by it’s cover, thank you if you can not! There are no real chapters in this book. I want the reader to be able to pick up the notes, read a blurb or three and than be able to throw it down in disgust. If you are on a plane, fishing in Arizona *if you can find any water*, doing a number two in a honey bucket port a pot, or sitting in traffic in Your Town U.S.A. I want you to not have to worry about something important coming up that takes two years and losing your place in the book. Open it up at any spot and you never have more than six pages before a new topic or break in the non stop action occurs. *Sorry I am also toying with typing the mind blowing blurbs for the back of the book to get more buyers. Although I am sure mere word of mouth will keep me rolling in the dough for shere minutes. There are some deffinate catagorys in the book. A large one is sadly devoted to box stores and retail, because I spent many years working the trait, mainly at a store I can’t name, but rhymes with Fall Apart! Another largish one deals with me and my many experiences with cops. The better stories seem to usually involve myself and beverages, strangly enough. "Chapters" also are often separated by random sayings and brain farts. You should copy the better ones and place them on your bathroom mirror for motivation. If non other than to not become anything like myself. A self I hope you will understand way more by the end of the pages. I know I understand myself much better, and now I can’t sleep at night.
I would like to dedicate this book to all of those that have been a part of my life. No matter how small. Especially those few that have been their through the years. Most importantly my parents, whom love me no matter how many of these stories are true! And were never afraid to proof read my writing, and say this is pure crap-honey. Many of the following pages came straight from our family garbage can! Others were their through the years, I will now name a few, in hopes of selling more books. Nat- Who got me out of Wyoming and it’s sheep and had the most popular dogz in the state. Although no one could decide what kind they were. Great Perinishe. It went from spotless dalmations to polar bear doggies. Vegas Dude- Who knows how to party it up in the sticks, but not inVegas, and how funny it is to heckle a Jerry Lewis telethon while it’s live. Professor Getty- I hope you never grow into your age recall that you are only as old as the woman you feel! Wich I guess doesn’t work when the movie 40 year old virgin is your personel screen play. We had many years of stupid F’in hikes and keeping our co-workers in line and essentially hating us. I hope that were ever you are this week, you find this book and bust a nut laughing. I hope you get your own tv talk show and that sailboat the S.S. Enama. And that you find your own personal enama soon. April S- who lives down the name by being one of the smartest people I know. You are one of the truest friends that I have ever had. And I hope for many more years by your side. I always need someone to make fun of. For the rest of you, it’s been awesome and if you ever get to WA state, look me up.

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