|I taught my new friend to sit!|
**"To forgive, forget, and move on, is much harder than it seems."**
I first want to say that I could not think of another good F word. I would also like to say, that right now, this applies to a lot of factors. So if you are suddenly proud that you have put my mind in a thick funk---you had help! I do have to say that I am much better on many levels today. Lastly because it is an all out sunny July day, I return to work tonight, with the dream of good tips. And because I had a great cup or two of the nectar of the Gods this morning. You might call it coffee. Well great for here great coffee. I became overly spoiled while in the mixtures birthplace, the Great Northwest. And spend many a day here, looking for a better brew than most small towns have to offer. Speaking of feeling better. Many of the drive-up coffee shops in Washington were switching to having Batista's in swim suits serve your coffee. What a wake up! And you all thought I wanted to have my drivers licence again, so I could drive to work!
**"Build a bridge and git over it!"**
I have used this line several times on here before. But am really trying to live by it right now. Several years ago, I was with my ex and her three kids. I was overly annoyed about something, and it was bringing me down all day. I realize now, it could not have been a very important something, because I have no clue what was bugging me now. Anyways, the youngest jumped in my lap, yelled that line to me, and ran off. I realize that I get a little bothered when someone "steals" any line I use a lot, and at the same time-- "stole" this great line from a five year old. But I have to say it says it all! It almost became the title of this blog also.
Another reason that I feel so much better today, is because of last night. I did not blow anything up. No exploding replicas of people that might or might not have wronged me lately. Partly because I can not afford that many fireworks? At some point after a great bbq at my parents house, I could not sit any longer. The already confined walls were closing in on me. And I took off on a jog. Something I have not done for way to long! And my body is reminding me of this today, for sure. I had forgotten how releasing a good jog is. I had also forgotten how out of shape I am!
I have previously talked about jogging possibly being dangours for my health in past blogs. At some point, I ended up beside Sheridans water tower. A great view at any time of day. I have to say last nights sunset was majorly disappointing. But the later free show of free fireworks was amazing. Mostly because they were all around me. It was a long time coming ---before dusk finely did start to devour the harsh July days light.
But this being alone with my thoughts and a great view really was a good thing. I started to try to find myself again. Someone I, and many of my true friends have not seen surface for quite awhile. I have been to busy, trying to be someone I am not. I started to realize that maybe, I had been walking to much lately, because me feet were now killing me. I realized that maybe wearing shorts, while sitting in a field wasn't the best idea. I thought of mindless things to start. I am sure many of these thoughts will make there way into future blogs. I am equally sure, that maybe half of the thoughts will actually make sense to anyone beyond myself!
Right after I noticed that I was finally starting to get a suntan again, for the first time in years. Washington people are seldom known for having sunburns. But they have such good coffee to enjoy, everywhere they turn, they don't care! Even in shorts, my legs have not burned, since living in Arizona, Land of the sweating sun! I have so much leg hair, the rays have to be intense to break through this barrier.
After all of this dribble, and much more, I started to realize, maybe I am not near as bad a person as others may think. Maybe my actions and generosity was overly bad for my future, but great for those others involved. Maybe I wasn't really all that alone. The people that had dropped me, did for a reason. And possibly that opened me up to a much brighter future. Those few that have stuck with me, are mostly family, but are still truly great!
I started to look forward to the future. And start to plan how to actually get there. Two major setbacks to all this. The past is amazingly hard to let go of, and I can not just shut off my feelings, any more than I can fix any of my actions. AND --at least relationship wise, what if there really is nothing better out there? I am not even close to being ready to look at the moment. But have a friend, that believes he ruined the relationship of his life, and has not found anything close to that. Being in his mid 40's the pickings are becoming more slim each day. Sure it's better to think that this opened me up for the true ONE, but maybe it just insured I will be a hermit by the age of 40.
Lastly I realized that the past shaped me and my future. Everything happens for a reason. And I had many truly awesome times, not just in my past five years, but way before that. Many of which, I hope to share in future blogs.
|Every day has choices|