Friday, February 26, 2016


             Hello this early a** morning to all y'all!!   I hate to proclaim that I am in a very bad spot in many ways right now.  A spot that I fear no amount of adult beverages could get me out of.  A spot that after all of these years, I should not be in.  This time I can not/will not let her win  will not let the booze take priority   I can not let her get the best of me this time around.  Although I might very well soon have to vacate Arizona to escape the memory's.  I am only in this God awful---home of the Devil, because of her and the kiddos.  I can not go any further in this right now---but I can say I am beyond sad and heart broke and beyond angry this time around.  I have lost everything that is me, lost a lot of years, lost myself fully, lost my chain of thought, my drive, a few good friends, lost my balls, Although they are in a jar over her fire place, and in the full divorce I should get one ball back----half of everything .....    I can't loose anything anymore.  Although the trail to my happiness now appears to be highly grown over.  I have put myself last for so long for no real reason, that I am no longer really sure what I really even enjoy.  No wonder I am suddenly single, I am such a push over I could even push myself over I fear.  A shell of a man for sure---one must love them self fully before they can love anything else, and I don't.   I don't like anything about what I have become.  A very hard fact as I find myself living in a studio apartment.  I was so worried about us  that I didn't see the big a** cliff in the distant horizon.  A cliff I am now dangling onto ---praying for my life with all of my might.  To an amazing God, I have also put not in the back seat   but in the back seat of a limo sized bus.  And surprise !   This cliff I am hanging off of with buzzards circling me in the air and lions circling below, angry lions, is a huge cliff.   A cliff that would make any over look into the grand canyon seem like a baby canyon.  Where am I going with all of this???   You don't know either??  Only time, a lot of booze, and gaining at least one of my balls back will tell for sure were all of this rambling and my life will go from here.   But rest assured this blog page will reveal what I learn along the way.  Maybe I will find my true love actually loves me back.  maybe I will feast on the circling lions.  Maybe I will  find and release a huge trouser snake.  maybe just maybe I will love life again. Maybe I will find a way to finish this very long paragraph.    But at the moment I must say I am very angry, lonely, confused, and or lost.  And that is a very dangerous combo.   Here is to making right choices and living life again!   This very page has seen me through a lot, although I try to keep away from the highly negatives.   

      Speaking of the good----a few nights ago in my class at work we ventured to the world class steak house and spent two of the classes three hours learning all about wine!   I have to say it was an amazing class!  At the start we had to sign an agreement, that we indeed work for the casino, and would not indulge to much  and would present ourselves as workers.  Maybe because we were tasting 20 some different wines on that night.  Pared up with some amazing food from the steak house.  Along with some great knowledge on the wines and wine in general.  I have to say that I do not really enjoy wine   but have a better appreciation of wine now, and DID enjoy that night.  ;)

     I do not officially have Internet at home again----so posting on any page is a challenge many daze.  I also do not currently have reliable transportation once again---BUT that said, I am hoping to post a ton on this very page AND on my local Exploring page.  I have lots of pictures and Exploring to talk about on my newest page------and I hope you enjoy everything each page has to offer.   When you check it out, and enjoy what you see   PLEASE share the link!!

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