Friday, December 31, 2010

You Can Bet Your Teepe on It!

    So a few nights back we joined other family members, and went to one of the many local casinos.   I really don't like to gamble very long, usually because I end up donating all the money back into more flashy lights for the casino's restrooms or something equally gaudy.   But it was cheap food, happy hour at the bar, and the kids were being watched by Nana, so I was already gambling on a great time.  Cheap food consists of a $2 buffet.  So it is often a small battle on if one should actually consume the food.  Sometimes you just have to catch your food with an extra sharp fork and enjoy.  I usually go with the thought wave that if you drink enough whisky, it's a cure all, and will kill all the bad food toxins.   This time the concept didn't work on many levels, and our stomachs became the victims!   I actually walked away from the casino with a profit.   Something very very rare for me. 
    This is a relatively new casino, so it is great fun to see all the huge billboards still up against the casino.   Especially since it is now open, and the only traffic on that road is gamblers and farmers.  Farmers should be excellent casino patrons, because their life is a constant gamble.   Since it is on the Indian reservation you can get cheap beverages and smokes in the gift shop.  And probably any kind of firework you can imagine if you talk to the person behind the counter. 
    In Vegas their is definitely more to do than gamble.  But some of those big games really are fun and a little addicting.  I am pretty sure I alone, funded the west wing of a casino on one trip.  And feel I should get an ashtray with my name on it or something.  The casinos are huge, and very easy to get lost in.  One trip my friend and I were very tipsy, and I have no clue how we got from the lobby to floor 623, were our room was.  Their is defiantly more to do in Vegas than just gamble  though.   I find it best to hit the strip at night time.   More activities are going on, of all kinds and you can somewhat escape the 120 degree temperatures.   *Note :  it is warmer than that in the direct sunshine.  The average in the winter is 120 in the shade!
    Oregon state also has some very fun casinos.  At least in my eyes.  Especially the ones along the coast.   I really enjoy the one in Lincoln City.   Although I have no idea what the name of it is now.   Something native sounding like U-hawk-a-loogi .  That way you can gamble your money, and go right out the back doors, and be on the beach.   If you loose to much money, you can cover yourself in raw meat and go swimming in hopes of meeting a rabid shark.   For added fun visit one of the many breweries along the coast line.   Oregon has a ton of breweries, and most of them are great to awesome.   They are all freakin awesome after you visit about the fourth brewery!   
     Casinos also seem to have overly spiffy restrooms.  My former hike buddy and long term friend-ranks bathrooms.  He is very picky about what a places restroom looks like.  And will spend ten minutes in the middle of Mc D's explaining how Mc sticky everything was in the bathroom.  But will still pee in the middle of the woods with the best of them.    Only slightly complaining about pee coming down hill towards his shoes!  I have yet to hear him complain about a casino restroom in all of our travels.   I believe he should write a book through his constant travels about restrooms.  Complete with pictures and ratings.  And maybe a wall of shame for the worst kept bathrooms around.   Were you walk in and decide you can hold your number 2 for another 88 miles!  Were it looks like something came out of both ends of the last dozen visitors to the toilet.  My only input on this topic is that I enjoy handicapped stalls, because they are very roomy.   And I like those full length urinals that hit the ground, because it is like peeing on the floor!
    When finished at the before mentioned food area, I grabbed a fortune cookie.  They usually taste like saw dust, but are fun.  Anyways, my fortune was great.   Although I got it on the 28th of the month.    It was    "You will have much to give thanks for this month"   This has been a very good month in many many ways.   For the last year I have had a ton to be thankful for.   I hope you can say the same, and it follows you into the new year.   Which is amazingly close some how!   Enjoy  because according to the movies, the Aztecs, and Al Gore   we are all dying in 2012!
    Later today I am going to start a new section to the blogs called "mini rants"    I slowly have incorporated them into Facebook when I am overly disgruntled.  I hope to add a new one on here every Friday and at some point would like to do them in movie form, so you can hear my anger.   If you as the reader, have anything that really annoys you---- add it to my comments section    and it might become my next rant.      Peace out, Yo!
     

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Blah!



 I have been greatly slackin' on posts lately.  With the move, Christmas, a full house,
and new great Christmas toys and all.  I found a quite spot today, while the rest of the house sleeps and am posting a few.   I hope everyone had  an awesome Christmas!   And can survive that lull between then and the new year.   If you have kids that are on break it is about time to take that next sanity pill, and go to the mall to replace the pile of broken toys.


Count down

Spyin on Santa?
    The holidaze are so much better when kids are in the house.  The sheer joy and such.  Plus when they are bad, you can take away their gifts and play with them!  Because I lived out of state, and was moving right before Christmas I added cauos to the cauos.   But my great fiance did 90 percent of my shopping for me.  I sent some cash and coffee gift cards to keep her energy levels high.  And for awhile every time I talked to her, she told me what great item I had bought someone.   You can't beat that, with or without a beating stick.  I did sneak into town, to buy her a few gifts.  So that she didn't know what a few packages under the tree were.           
   Santa was way  better to me, than I would have guessed.  In fact I owe a few people a back up gift to make up for the great gifts they got me.   I was mostly expecting a truck load of coal.   Actually it might have been nice with winter time here.   Free heat!  Best of all he brought a Wii to our house.   A red one even.   I like red if you have not gotten the memo.   Spray paint is cheap, but painting the gaming system might get me punched. It proably also voids the stinkin warrenty in some way.  I usually don't like video games to much.   Growing up my household had Pong and than an Atari 2600.   The Atari games were fun, but nothing like the new games.  Although I do wish I had my old system with the huge box of working games.  I am sure I could make a nice amount of pocket change off it on Ebay.   But alas, they all went to one of my nephews, who probably opened it and broke out laughing.   Than threw it in the trash.  I had almost hoped the kids real dad had followed through for once, and took them for the week.   That way Momma April and I could have taken over the system.   That just means the countdown is up till school starts again.  

Our new Wiiiiiiiiii



From Santa
    We had a very good Christmas in my eyes.  And since the kids haven't complained about being bored yet, I guess they had a good one too.  We continued our great tradition of drinkin' margaritas and than playing Santa.   I won't explain it in detail, because this topic has come up in past posts.   I will say Santa's job was very easy this year, and the booze did not effect his toy building in any way.  We found a dated ornament for the tree and a new ornament for each of the kids.   Like each year.  In the aftermath of dead bows and wrapping paper, their was miles of smiles.  The worse part is, Santa will have a hugely hard time outdoing himself next year. 

                                                                       
     Tonight the kids go to Nana's and we go to the casino to chill.  I do not really like to gamble much.  But like to drop a buck or ten.   Basically donate.  And it's time out with cheap food and booze.   On Tuesdays the natives have a two dollar all you can eat buffet.  Now the food is much much better, and eatable.   The last time I ate their, I recall turning very green and not wanting to eat again for a long time.  At that point, I would have paid the owners twenty dollars to never have to eat their again!  

12/28/2010 Changes or build a bridge and get over it!

                               **"Build a bridge and get over it!"**-----Shrimp Boy

 This move has been a huge culture shock for me.  I have lived with my girl friend and her three kids before.  And know that with her comes the mother in law.  She never lives very many miles away.  BUT for the last year, I have lived states away by myself in a motel.  Almost a box of a home it was so small.  I was in the middle of Wyoming in a very small town.  Shopping mainly consisted of Wally World and K mart, or the tourist trapy extra expensive shops downtown.  It was bitterly cold all winter.  No bus service.  Town population of about 22,000 if you also count sheep.  Their is just enough people in the town to have a Star Bucks. 
    Flash forward if you will, to the 20th of December.  I moved back to Washington state.  Bellingham, WA to be exact if you have your maps with you.  The towns population is about 90,000 people.   So their are about eight Star Bucks.  This is in the heart of the great north west, so their are also many other great coffee joints to choose from!  The town has a nice bus system, that even hits outlying towns and several routes that run every fifteen minutes.  Temperatures compared are very mild, you just have to get used to continual rain.  We saw rain drops and clouds most of Christmas instead of a comforting white blanket of snow.
   I am in a three bedroom townhouse with all the perks a little extra income can provide.  Including laundry machines in home.  But I am sharing it with my beautiful girlfriend and her three great kids.   We have lived together before, but it has been awhile.   For a crash course, the second night I was in town, three extra girls slept over.   It went much calmer than I would have ever thought.   I was beforehand asking people to send me ear plugs in the mail!   Although it was very late before everyone decided sleep was a good thing.   For added fun, we woke the kids up about 8 am.  Maybe because evil is my middle name.
    This town is very close to the boarder and the Canadians come here to shop and save money in droves, aye!  The town welcomes them with both hands and every type of retail shopping choice around.  We made the mistake of going to the mall yesterday and mostly just stared at the products we wanted through an endless crowd of shoppers.  It was a mad house.  Wall to wall people with the occasional pause when someone got ran over by a shopping cart.  I believe more people were in the mall than live in the small village in Wyoming.  I wanted a shopping cart for defence.
   Not that I don't love people around me, well these people.  But in the last year I have become used to space.   I forgot that things you want to keep nice, need to be put up high or stored.  That the sticky ness on the lap top is probably edible.  How hard it is to find a quit spot.   I am typing this in the middle of the living room, while the rest of the house sleeps.   But already have answered the phone three times.   No one called me in the box.  Possibly because very few people had my phone number.
    I wouldn't give it all up for anything though.   The perks are more than worth the lil bit of griping.   Being around kids at Christmas time is the best high.  I have four individuals that love and somewhat depend on me.  And their is always someone around that wants to play a game or be my hike partner.  Luckily with Nana living so close, we  also have amazingly reasonable childcare.  For a 30 pack of beer *the cheap, cat pee tasting brand*, we can get all of the kids out of the house for a weekend.   **It has been a year since I have been around my girlfriend.....   No one can find that kind of a deal for watching three kids. 
    Change of all kinds happens all the time.  Without it most of us would be mind numbing bored.  And probably a heck of a lot richer.  If  nothing ever changes for you have someone check your pulse you might possibly be dead!   If you are afraid of change, I quote the youngster in this house.  "Build a bridge and get over it!"   One day I was overly annoyed about evil chickens or something.  "Shrimp boy" crawled on my lap-- said that to me and ran off.   At the time he was four.   I was instantly stunned, than started laughing, than stole the phrase.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

It's Getting Hot in Here--Please don't Take off all Your Clothes!

    Temperature is greatly effected by were one lives.   While a Wyoming native is breaking out shorts, someone from Florida would be digging for a winter coat.  This is about 50 degrees.  I grew up in Wyoming, and used to be more than ready for hard winters.  After years away in much milder climates, including three years in Arizona, I about froze my butt off during the winter months after moving back to Wyoming.   Wich is even harder to do, when you really have no butt physically.   My brother kept calling me a wuss, but he never really left the west in the last ten years.  I might also call myself a wuss, I am pretty sure I chocked on a snowflake or two.  And wondered more than once if my fiance would still love me, with only one ear.  After I froze the other off.  



Largest iceicle ever!

    In Wyoming it is very cold.  But people are used to it.  The same way they are used to not seeing ice free streets until about June.  I have seen it snow on the Rockies in early July.   My last winter in the state, the warmest it got for two weeks straight was twenty below zero.  We went to school every day.  My car heater usually blew snow out the vents till about the time  I got to school.  It was like a huge snow globe, with a boring frozen scene inside.  With cold temperatures, huge snow drifts, and such the last time I recall them closing school, two of the local snow plows had flipped over on the highway.   I have pictures of snow drifts that were level with our house roof.   For fun we would use the e brake a lot and play on the ice.   In fact I first learned how not to drive on ice covered roads.  I have never owned a vehicle with snow tires.   But I have gotten at least half a dozen very very stuck in the  snow.   I had to move out of Wyoming, to realize it was enough in many places for Dairy Queen to be open all year long.  In Wyoming in the past,  they closed in the winter and one had to wait months for your Dilly bar.   They really are not that good, but Dilly bar is fun to say. 


Wyoming winter wear
     In Oregon I lived about an hour from the ocean.  Snow was very rare.  In fact my first boss told me to stay home the first time it "snowed" because someone would run into me.  We got a whopping three inches of snow.  And my roomie and I, both from Wyoming, spent the day off playing in the snow.     
  In Washington state snow was also very rare.   Usually the moisture comes down in a more rain drop form.   And their is a lot of it!  After eight years on and off in the great north west, I have my webbed feet for sure.  Three inches of snow is enough to close all of the local schools.   And put everyone in a panic.  Seattle has the most excuses to actually panic.  All of the streets in the town seem to go straight up or down.  And I have seen hours of fotage of the cars and city buses sliding down hills on sheets of ice.  The whole state has to share snow plows.   And Seattle got so much flax for their winter responses fails, that they were running plows in the summer as a strange dry run.   We did see a very rare big storm, with about nine inches of snow!  If you are from the west you laugh, because this is a mere dusting of snow.   And everyone panicked.  I drove to town and back, about 30 miles and saw 22 people in the ditch.  No lie.   My girlfriends sister would not leave the house because she could not find her cars snow chains.   This gave me huge amusement.  Especially because it was a Geo.   I told her if she did go off the road, to pick the light vehicle up and place it back on the road.


   In Arizona snow was something else completely.  In Flagstaff were I first started, it actually snowed quite a bit.  In fact they have a nice ski area.  But I soon ended up in the valley.  Were the snowbirds all flock because it is 90 outside in the winter time.  Actually in the dessert, it drops down kindda chilly in the winter time, and at night.  People their tend to panic when it drops below 70 outside, and start digging through their boxes for long pants.  We got a discount on one rental, because the manager didn't want to hook up the heaters.  Thinking it was the middle of Arizona, we figured we would never really need heat.   By the middle of winter, we were huddled up up for body warmth.   The last year in the valley we saw about ten flakes of snow.   It was the same year Las Vegas saw snow.  And I observed two things.  First that the kids were way to excited about seeing "snow" and B. that I was quite positive it was the start of the end of the world.  In the summer I learned to hate the phrase, it's only a dry heat.  If it wasn't it would really be hot out.  Everyone down that way says that.  After it's 120 degress, in the shade, it's just F-in hot out!   I was also suprised how many very large people live in Arizona.  I was a bean pole, weighing nothing and used to sweat in the shade.  So I am not sure how the bigger people handled it.  I mean when you are sitting on the curb, makin your own gravy, it's time to loose a pound or 200. 




Cold in Arizona

No heater in AZ
     After all of these moves, I ended up back in Wyoming again for awhile.  This fun started in winter time, and I was defiantly not used to cold anymore.  I had nothing more than a hoodie and had to buy a real coat.  I'd like to say a year later, I was more used to the frigged cold, but NO.   Last week I moved back to Washington state.   And was greeted with rain.   But the 50 degrees outside was about 50 warmer than what I had just left.  


   I would not call anyone a wuss, at least not for being cold.  As in a lot of things, the more you experience the more give you allow others. 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Airport Pat-Downs and Other Cheap Thrills

     **"Call me if you end up stuck at the airport with no ride.  I can not help, but I will find it extreamly funny!"**---Rebeca (one of my great sisters)
   **"I'm sorry, sir, but all of your frequent-flier miles have already been used up by your luggage."**---Cartoon Parade


    My flight/move went off with no hitches -so fa fa on all of you that were wishing me good luck, and crossing both your fingers, and all your toes.   I have not flown for about six years, and for whatever reason everything on the news turned to bad flights.  Even if the news article started out talking about diseased frogs, it ended up with a huge disaster involving multi planes aiming for lilly pads in a sewer enriched pond. 


    The journey started in Billings, MT.   A rather small airport, but with the holidaze so close, it was very busy.   Security was much tighter than I had before recalled.  Maybe because of Christmas, or maybe because it was a small airport and security was bored.  I previously talked about my holiday work party and ending up getting weenie soap and stuffed sheep for my collection.  Both were fine gifts, but I am not going to explain.  Anyways, I took great care in separating these items so that security didn't need to use the don't ask dont tell policy on me!  I was overly happy my bulging, check in bag stayed zipped up more than anything.  Security did not like my stylin hoodie to much.  And I had a nice pat down from one of the guards.  Kind of a free chest/stomach massage.  I was disappointed that the airport did not offer free wi fi, because it was quite awhile before my plane actually took off.  But soon became very interested in a thrilling game of plants vs zombies.  If you have not played it, it is highly addicting.
     Billings got a nice layer of snow the night before take off, so the the flight out was overly beautiful.   Somewhere above Oregon or Washington.   I am not sure wich, because those kool state outlines are not visible from that high up, like on my states map.  A military jet was refueling from another, mid air.   It was a pretty kool sight, although I have no idea how rare it is to see.  I have to say, looking out on just clouds made me think about sheep for a long glorious while.  
    Landing in Seattle was uneventful.   I was in the window seat right next to the left wheels, so watched them very closely.  Not sure why, still.  It was pouring rain when I hit the city.  No surprise at all.  Seattle residents walk around squinting and running into things, when the sun does make an appearance in the winter time.  I had a few hours to kill at this airport.  But the Seattle airport is full of food, stores, coffee, and people watching.  Plus they have free wi fi throughout the many terminals.  I barley slept the night before, and got up way before noon for the flight, so soon ended up in a coffee joint.   Instant gratification from the brown nectar of the gods!  
    Seattle to Bellingham, WA is a very short flight.  About the time we got our beverage cups collected, it was time to land.  It was dark by the time we flew out of Seattle, and the city is one massive group of lights from above.  It was a full moon that night, and the moon looks huge when your flying beside it.  Before Bellingham we hit some massive turbulence, and if the person beside me didn't start out looking angry I might have jumped in his lap.  


    I even had a ride and luggage waiting for me at the airport!   Some passengers were definitely not so lucky.  I have to say it was a very smooth trip/move.   Of course the last time I moved and last few journey's were on the Grayhound.   It takes 22 hours to take the same trip.  And is not fun in the least.   My butt usually went to sleep about two hours into the trip.    For everyone that complains about air travel, take a bus trip.   It will remind you what trips used to be like in wagon train times.   They are about equal in speed.  Although the wagons were so slow people would die and be born during the trip.   They could arrive with a completely different group of peoples than the party left  with.  

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Weeksend and Beyond

     Time seems to be speeding up.  But around Christmas, it all seems to be one big mind numbing blur.  This blur was lessened somewhat for me.  Almost all of the my holiday shopping was done for me.  I sent some funding, and a coffee card, for energy and  every time I talked to the awesome shopper I had bought another gift for someone.  All without leaving the house, or being in the same state.  The blur was worsened, by me adding a cross country move into the mix.  For those of you that didn't get the memo,  I moved, by plane from Wyoming back to Washington state on the 20th.  Possibly why I have not posted anything on here since Thursday.   Or possibly because by the time I got my free wi-fi working in the Seattle airport, it was time to catch my plane out.  I will post more soon, about the actual flight. 
    Last Tuesday became my last night at work.  It was kind of nice for no one to throw a fuss at all, mainly because they thought I was working again on Friday night.  So I had more than enough free time to pack and be overly bored.   I was surprised how much stuff I had accumulated in my year in Wyoming.   I was under the impression, that most of the belongings in the motel, stayed with the motel.  After giving away boxes of stuff, and pre mailing more stuff I soon realized I had to much stuff.  I purposely kept my last weeksend in town free for partying.  Something that did not really happen.
   On Friday I was bummed to find out I would not be on the work schedule.  But soon heard it was dead at work that night, so I really didn't miss out on that much.  That night was supposed to be my going away party.   But that never happened.   The persons in charge had a duel wedding to prepare for.  Full of itchy chairs and newly found mates.   Good to once again know how I rank to people.  I spent most of the night talking to my own fiance, still states away.  We both were on the countdown to the move.
    Saturday was filled with getting last minute things done.  I believe I actually slept in late.  Moving in with someone with three kids, I thought sleep might soon become low on my to do list.  Dad and I went to coffee for the last time in awhile.  Saturday night My brother, his wife, daughter, and my aunt and uncle met me at my parents house for an adios dinner.   I love my family to no end, and soon became lost in the conversation of the night.  The best part, you ask?   The pie!!  
    Sunday my mother and I went to the new Narnia movie in 3-D.  It was fitting because she introduced me to the book series, years ago.   It was also great, because her and I in my time home, almost never spent any time together, just the two of us.  It had sadly been the first time I had been in the Sheridan movie theatre since about 2002.  It pretty much looks the same, really looks the same in the dark!  My landlord brought me an awsome and expensive package of candy.  Wich was very suprising.  Although I think it was mostly that he will be missing the rent money.   That night was the Christmas party at the job I had worked at for the past year. 
    I really didn't want to go to the party at first, but am very glad I did.  The food was great.  And seeing most of the workers for the last time was even greater.   I ended up with some weeine soap.  Wich is great because my weenie really hasn't been clean before without the soap!  I just have to recall, that it is for external use only.   Reading that might have ruined my weekend!  Now if I just get gifted some soap on a rope, I will be set.   *hint hint.   I also ended up with some more stuffed sheep for my collection.   Long story short---sheep are safe!   Great combination of gifts right?   I had to pack them extra special and far apart in my bags to not have to miss my flight while explaining the gifts.  Beyond all the great food, it really was a good night.  Plus I got to see Santa.   Although I hate to say, arriving very drunk would have made it an overly grade A party.  At least for myself.  As long as I am amused right?
External use Only!
Sheep are safe!


    I will miss everyone from Wyoming a great deal.  And hope to continue talking to you online. 
Next post will be about the actual flight.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Baby Food and Other Horrers

                 



                   **"Just cause you can make kids, doesn't mean you should."**

      **"You aren't having a baby, thats a cheeseburger stuck in your colon!"**--Q-Tip

                     **Any D*ck can father a kid, but it takes a dad to be a father."**

                     **Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk."**

                                       **"Sponge Bob is not a contraceptive!"**---Bart Simpson

                                              **"I practice safe sex, by leaving the lights on."**
 
                                         **"My spluge glows in the dark!"**

        **It's easier to change a condom than a diaper."**---Public service commercial


    I personally know some great parents.   I have a few I call my own in fact!  I would never claim to be a great parent.  Although I get along with kids well.   We often think on the same thought waves!   But to put it short, some people should never have kids.    Never ever, after years of classes and expired warrants.  So many great parents are already out their.   And some have not been able to prove it yet, because they can not have children for whatever reason. 
    A few examples---and I am sure this list will keep expanding.     Any big-un on the discovery channel that went into the hospital for pain or cramps and left with a baby.   If you are so large, you can't tell the difference between a baby kicking, or that BBQ sauce kick.  Or can not even recall having sex nine months ago, for what ever reason.   Should have to give up their parenting rights for twenty-six free burgers.   Sometimes called lunch. 
    If one has to go on TV with a small tribe of men to find a potential baby goo doner.
    An interesting couple I meet at Wally World.   They had both meet while working at the store.  Nothing wrong with that.  But soon found the need to get married in the store.   It was the most white trash thing I have ever seen.   Complete with the Mc D's arches as their background, the couple was married in the front of the store.   No customers were warned, and most viewed the scene with huge eyes.   The entire management team found it effective to stand behind myself during the ceremony.   Like anyone could make it any worse on the eyes.  I think even I started to cry, but not because of the beauty or love emitted.   Some other feeling was taking over.   At the end of the ceremony the happy couple jumped on two electric carts.   One that said Just and the other Married on the back, and zoomed out of the store.  Perhaps on their way to a honey moon at the local Hometown Buffet!


    A brief history of the couple, to help add to reasons why their kids are in a word, doomed!  The blushing bride was largish and we called her Hungry Hungry Hippo.   She alone wore a nice path in the tile to the break room candy machine.   Her husband wasn't the brightest match in the reject pile.   He worked in the tire and lube center.  And was later fired for riding on the car lifts.  Not as much for riding them, but for falling off the lift.   He was soon spotted flopping around on the ground in the oil.   And is more than likely collecting disability still.



Your bouncing baby boy!!!!
     Many people I know are great parents or would make awesome parents.  But many -maybe to many, for the above reasons and more should never have sex again to ensure they never have kids.   I have told many, with great joy that their kids are doomed if they ever have any.   And relating this fact is way more enjoyable than maybe it should be. 
    If you have never watched Carlos Mencia's Dee Dee Dee video  you really should check it out!   It explains everything I have just said to a T.   Durps   should not have kids either.   They are close to Dee Dee Dee's.   Stands for  Dim-witted Urban Redneck Paroles and I had several run ins with one lately.  

  **"Any parent is only as good as their dumbest kid, if one wins a Nobel prize, but the other gets tied up and robbed by a hooker, you failed    thanks for playing!"**
                    **"How did Mr Crabs have a baby whale?"**


   
      Pregnancy tests------ "now easier" Was the peeing on a stick to complicated before. Woman would throw out the test and watch their wet hand waiting for it to turn blue or pink? If couples were having trouble with the old, complicated test, maybe they should not be having kids. Now they spell out if you are pregnant or not. Wow. Is their one for men to that spells it out. Maybe on the reverse side of the stick. Instead of saying Pregnant, or no baby for you! It says Buy her a ring, or run like hell! My gf was recently accused of not being a part of her last pregnancy with her x. How does that work? Did the dude grab a turkey baster one night while she was sleeping. I realize she sleeps soundly but damn. I don't think the warning labels on those say anything about not using to impregnate your spouse. If it does, I'm sure it says wash thoroughly after each use. Now each X'mas, I have this urge to put a turkey baster in her stocking.
       

Flying High

                                                   **I am flying away soon, like a G6!**




Were you go if you fail security check

New tight security!
                  

    I have not enjoyed flying for about six years now.  And am almost excited for a full body scan at the airport!   Maybe they can tell me what my doctor can not?  Lately to cut costs, I have been taking the bus.  You defiantly get your money's worth because even a trip two towns down takes twelve hours and no fewer than 32 stops.   Just think of the fun a cross country trip could allow you! 
    Last time I flew, the stewardess announced that she had been in the air most of the day and was taking a break.  She left the beverage cart under our watchful eye, and we did not see her again until it was time to land.  At that point I believe she was part of  three twins!  Between Seattle, WA and Eugene, OR I had seven beers.  Air time approximately forty minutes.  One thing I can say for sure, altitude affects my beer consumption a lot.   The jury is still out if it effects in a negative or positive way.  Soon after being reunited with my luggage, I was ecstatic that someone had actually arrived at the airport to pick me up.   I was also very drunk.  On the trip, I had "burrowed" a Wyoming license plate for my collection.  They are very kool, and it is were I was born and raised.  For whatever reason it was my new primary goal to show the shocked driver my new prize.   We were still in the middle of the airport, and I started throwing things out of my suitcase to find the well hidden licence plate.   Some how she wasn't as impressed as I was.
                                                                                   

Slow but cheap
    Before all that fun, I had a six hour lay over in Seattle.  Online tickets are cheaper, but they usually leave you stranded for half a day.  Seattle airport is large enough that it is entertaining, but about an hour into sightseeing, I was ready to tick of a security guard just for some excitement, and maybe a good cardo workout.  And somehow ended up in the bar.   Unlike on TV, no pilots were in the bar.  They must have their own bar.  I soon noticed no beverages on the menu had prices.  After ordering a Bud Light I learned why.  Not saying it was expensive, but I could have bought an six pack at a store cheaper.  I asked for a straw so I could enjoy my golden beer.  
    I wrote the following rambling after my last flight, so it is old.   I am sure after this, very near voyage I will have new insights for y'all.   Enjoy?

      So, what is the most fun of flying on a plane?  Getting off.   Actually I have not logged many hours in the air but, have come to hate the extra small *(puddle jumper) planes.   They are tight inside, so if you did get surrounded by big-un's or screaming kids, their is no were to escape except to hold the bathroom hostage.  And these planes jump around a lot in turbulence.  I was waiting for a recent plane to land upside down after hitting terrible turbulence at an airport in Billings, MT.  What is great about this airport, is they have what must be a plane bone yard near the edge of the airfield.  So after coming in upside down, stomach turning, you fly over miles of plane parts.  From high enough up, it looks like the charred remains pushed off the runways from last night.
    I would rather fly long journeys than drive, for many reasons.  You can relax and how many of your cars have peanut toting stewards?   Although not to many cars lose air pressure and plummet fifteen thousand feet?  But for how many flights go per day, causitly rates are very low.  I wish I could say the same for my driving record!
    If all this has thrilled you, and your rushing to your nearest ticket booth.  Here are some tips for your next flight.  Always buddy up with those passengers around you.  Especially those making it obvious human contact is evil.  They are secretly signaling their frear to you!  Also buddy up well with the stewardess.  They defiantly know how to survive a crash and they do have all those peanuts.  Also watch how you pronounce peanuts.  The word has been known to come out sounding more like a male anatomy part.  And the results really are not as amusing as one might think!
    What should become carry on luggage?  The simple answer to this, is everything!  Purchase a backpack and carry-on bag.  Maybe a backpack for your backpack.  Wear all clothing you are taking.  What luggage should be checked?  Nothing, what were you smoking, and why are you not sharing?   Everything you take, becomes carry on to the true flyer.  Sure you might walk on the plane looking like a bloated Arctic penguin, but your a bloated penguin with a change of clothes once the plane lands. 


Best backpack ever?
    As your ticket says, always arrive at the airport well before your departure.  This allows lots of time to pass security.  With the rise in body piercings, you are more likely to land behind someone with more metal attached to their body, than is found in your car.  No matter how annoying or time consuming these people may be, do not start conflicts with them.  Think about it, they know what pain is.  Arriving at the airport early also allows lots of time to become familiar with the airport.  Very familiar, because your plane did not arrive early.


Coffee!  Best part of any airport!
    OK, one last "test" for you.   After the plane lands and everyone files to the baggage claim, and than the lost and found counter.  How long should you wait for your luggage to come off the plane?   Approximately 0.0 minutes.  Have you been reading the same blog as the rest of us?  Fail.com if you answered anything else!   ALL you own is in your possession from the plane ride. 

Friday, December 17, 2010

Jogging is For Dummies!?

    I was in track for many a year.  Main draw back to going to a small school might be inexperienced coaches.   One coach was the librarian and the other was Stubby, the shop teacher.  I will just say, I got "smart" before my senior year and didn't make it to the state track meet.  When I am motivated, I try to get out and jog.   My last favorite jogging buddy is about 25 years older than me, and makes me look like a professional runner!

I'm behind the tree, posin!
    

   
     Why do most roadside joggers look in such bad shape?   Is not running supposed to be healthy?  They often look like they put down their cigarettes long enough to run a mile or two, and than cough up a lung or three.  Maybe that's why joggers run near busy roads.  If the jogger suddenly stops, and does not enter a donut shop, but drops rolling into a fetal position.  Maybe someone driving by will help them.  And or take them to the hospital.  Now, I have ran enough not to knock the sport, but a gradual increase in exercise seems best in my book.  And believe me it is a short, boring, but accurate book of what not to do!   Start with a brisk jog around the block and than try for the marathon!
    Back in my youth, I ran several miles a day or at least the part when the track coach was watching.  Now unless cops are involved, running is out.   A few weeks back it was raining and I ran four blocks, wich about killed me.  Part of the reason was the fifteen dollars in quarters in my pockets (it was laundry day) OK back to jogging.  I recommend running in fun places.   This will keep you interested.  The local mall, around your bar stool, etc.  For increased thrills, carry a large bag while you run and randomly glance behind you.  Or do sprints across the local interstate.
    It is also great to share your pain.  Invite someone to run with you.  Always pick someone that is in worse shape than yourself.  Someone you can run circles around.  If they are large, it is not appropriate to count each lap around their body as a full workout.  Building up your endurance leads up to my best weight loss program yet.  Richard Simmons starts hitting on you.  If you can not outrun him, he asks you out.  I personally lost 145 pounds the first week.  And I have the Polaroids before and after to prove it.  *Body features such as scares and hair color might not match.

Another exercise
                                                                                                  

Another great form of exercise
                 
    Like golf players, you need the proper bad looking attire to start and become a true jogger.  Bright colors are the best, it lets you stand out and gives the drivers something to aim for.  Always recall that spandex makes you more aerodynamic, thus faster.   It helps to suck in your beer gut, making you smaller and more stream lined.   I once was in track with a guy that shaved his legs during track season.  I have very hairy legs, almost leg sweaters and shaving would take forever.  Not that it is ever going to happen.  The minute mil a seconds he shaved off his running time, was seldom noticeable when one comes in dead last in the race.  The right shoes also can make or break a runner.   Football cleats might break you.  It is important to have very comfortable shoes so that calecus and such will be kept to a minimum.  Although eventually these become so thick that nothing hurts.   Also the better the shoe the further you can run.  After conditioning you can jog all the way to the local coffee shop.   This saves all that extra gas for driving to the local track, because no one runs to the running spot.  And you have now have more gas to drive to the supermarket.   All that running makes you hungry.
    As a trained watcher of the track channel, I can say with authority that they can run dang fast and for a long time.  I can also say that conditioning is key.  I can say all of this from my extra comfy spot on the couch.   To be a great after work jogger, you need to eat right, build yourself up, and fill your water bottle with bottled water.  All the best joggers use energy drinks like Propel, to propel you.   As in, not beer.  Jogging while intoxicated can be fun, but might be frowned upon in your city.  A JUI?  I know you can get picked up from biking drunk.  Energy bars will also make you be able to jog at least an extra block.  They all taste like expired chalk though.  It's easier on your taste buds to lick the cat before taking off on your run.  Soon you will be able to run three blocks without breaking a sweat and your kids will be behind you instead of yelling for you to catch up , Baldy!
                                                   **"It's Facebook not Assbook!"**


    For years I got buy with just a measly Yahoo e mail account.  I talked to everyone I really needed to and partied with real people.  Possibly to much.   Somewhere along the line I ended up with a Myspace account, and soon filled it with pictures no one should really know about and thought long and hard about new status updates, to make people angry, jealous, and or laugh.  One day Myspace tried to get to hip, and mainly became overly annoying to try and navigate.  Suddenly everyone, their dog, and their grandma ended up with a Facebook account.  Ten year olds were lying about ages to harass other classmates.  Criminals were lying about ages to stalk your cat.   And your grandma knew every move  you made!  People really didn't see each other in the real world all that much.  But they knew everything  about each other!   And I am pretty sure everyone that voted down paying for the sight in the past  would do so now to keep their precious or page. 
     Now years later the only place I see most of my freinds is online and at the local Mart Store.  I live states away from my girlfreind, and use the computer a lot to keep up with her and her kids.  I am moving cross country very soon.  And I can not get anyone gathered for a going away party  for anything.  Although a few of them, declined on Facebook!
    Under the right circumstances, I love the page.  I can get on say howdy to whomevers lurking, get a good laugh, post a laugh, learn how every ones socks stink or poo smells like roses, and than log off.   But on many a cold night, when the television selection sucks, I find myself "lost" on the sight for hours, not really sure were the time went.  
    My major annoyance with the sight, is people stroling the pages to critisize others.  If you don't like what I have to say---don't click on my page.  Skip or block my posts.   Yet another reason I started this blog.   You have to personally come here to read my rambling.   And if you took that much time out of your day, please give me feedback in my comments.   I like the good, the bad, and the ugly.                                         
      Before voicing your thoughts please watch the following two links---------   Go ahead I will wait here.     The first from South Park.   I really do not have the link, but it is the Facebook episode.  Secound I just found today.                                


2F&h=b8209 http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ignitermedia.com%2F&h=b8209

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Mr Happy Isn't Happy---Are You?

            ** "Mr Happy is nice, you should try it sometime. Being nice that is."**---Puddin

    **It's not the ups and downs in life that make life difficult-It's the jerks!"** Alfred E Newman

   **"No, I'm not a pessimist, at some point the world sh*ts on everyone. Pretending it's not sh*t makes you an idiot --not an optimist!"**---Sh*t my Dad says website

   **"That F'in *&%$$##@* Head is OK now!"**---The Devil *My mother in law* Deciding maybe I wasn't to bad a dude.

   **"Smile, it will only get worse!"**---Marshmallow

   **"He was madder than an albino trying to hitchhike in a snow storm!"**---Larry the Cable Guy


    OK as usual, a little background is needed.  Until just lately I worked in a family restaurant in Sheridan, Wyoming.  I won't tell you the name of the place, but like any restaurant it had it's colorful locos, er locals.  Both as customers and on the payroll.   After years and years of customer service work, I like to believe I have seen it all and that I am very tolerant of others.  I try to be nice to anyone helping pay my paycheck.  Over the years I have also learned that some people can't be pleased.   They are wired to be annoyed and displeased it seems.  Usually I really enjoy this "challenge", put on my fake Wally World smile, and overwhelm them with great service and kindness.   Not always what they want.  But what are they going to say, He was to freakin nice to me??  One customer I used to always have, was about 80 years old.  She basically had to feed and take care of her husband, and was rarely jolly.   Liquids were never hot enough for her.  One day after I nuked her soup for ten minutes, she informed me that she could pee warmer than her soup.  I, out of options replied that I was sorry, that must hurt and than asked her what I could do to remedy the situation beyond drawing a map to the next nearest restaurant.  Everything was resolved, and they returned for dinner the next night.   Yeah!?
    Back to this restaurant.  We had a regular gent that was rather large.  Not that their is anything wrong with that.  He seemed to have a sour attitude, grunted responses, made new workers cry, and would spend a lazy Sunday reading War and Peace in your section.  The more people checked in on him, the more he seemed annoyed.  But reading a full book in someones section often leads to that.  I instantly liked the guy.   And started calling him Mr Happy, maybe because we had yet to see him happy.  I mainly delivered what he wanted and stayed away from the table.  Collecting a whole dollar each visit!  Not good for six hours of rent, but still better than nothing.  No matter whom served him, he remained grumpy--although the servers with boobs, seemed to get better tips, we still never witnessed him happy.   A new goal for us all perhaps?  
    Two weeks ago, he forgot to tip me.   The next visit, he asked for someone else to serve him.  Not the worse request in my book, but it was once again a slammin Sunday and he would be taking up one of my best booths for the rest of the day, minus the measly dollar tip even.   The following week, the jolly gent was sat in my section.  Again at a prime booth.  I took him his regular drink.  An easy drink with lots of modifiers.  And was grunted at.  It appeared I should not be his server.   Short story shorter---He left in a huff.  And I suddenly became Mr Happy for the day!
    I just watched a great clip about how the more things we have --the less happy most people are.  From the new Conan Show.  Please take a look, is very funny and true.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk         With Wifi and the likes  things are practically instant now, and yet everyone complains.  Any phone you have, is waaaaay better than the old school rotary ones.   Just today, I caught myself annoyed that I couldn't finish a movie at that time on Netflix, because the free Internet connection kept going down.   Really?  It's almost instant moving viewing at any time.  And I was getting po'd.   Several hours later, I find it amusing.  Although I still haven't viewed the last ten minutes of the dam movie. 
    I have been happier in the last year than I have been in years.   And apparently it shows!   A great friend of mine notices my great attitude all the time.   And a new friend of mine, constantly would remark about my "glow" at work that made work just that much better.   That said, I am not sure some people are ever really happy.   Things get bad and than get worse.   Bad things do usually seem to come in three's.   No reference to my girlfriend happening to have three kids.   But constantly exists in a crappy mood and than inflict your mood on others really is a crappy existent.  I realize this world takes all kinds.   But find another hobby folks!   I know someone that doesn't seem to be able to function without a high level of drama.  If things are going smoothly, they create drama for those around  just to liven things up.   Get cable T.V. and start watching soaps all day, please. 
    To quote my brother---One can be happy, where ever they live.   And for the most part, you hold the key to changing your attitude.   When I first moved back to Sheridan, I hated everything.   A year later, I wouldn't put the town on the top of my winter travel list, but honestly love my life right now.  I don't know, or want to know what makes you truly happy.   Maybe it's that woman, man, pet kangaroo, God, pizza, midget tossing.  Or a strange mixture of all of the above.  For me, true happiness is in family, helping people that are really in a bind, and making those around me laugh.  I was never in a better mood, than when I heard my hijinks's and attitude at work was that noticeable to someone, and made them enjoy coming to work just that much more.   Now that I won't be part of the "real" work force for awhile, I hope that on here, I can make more people laugh even just a little bit.   Probably not in this post, but in many to come in the future.  Don't worry  my mind doesn't stay serious long.   Because of the holidaze, I have been in a "deeper " mind set.

Panhandeling for Beer?

Stop putting coins in my drink!
  

 G' Day!  I am having trouble writing this and the next post I have in mind.   Because for me, I am trying to step way out of my comfort realm or box and eat Taco Bell.  Wait wrong plug, step out of my box *that's extra funny right now because I basically live in a box, it's so small*  by writing a couple of posts that are fair to every ones opinions, and maybe stop and make you think just a lil.  As always, thank you for visiting this sight and PLEASE leave a comment or three.   Your input helps me make things better.   Plus I am opening a new blog next year, and hope to make it extra awesome.  My next posting is going to be about "Mr Happy" not being happy.  I have seen the man be an OK citizen, so am not writing to make fun of him.  But asking if with all our modern conveniences is anyone ever happy anymore?
    Today's whole thought process started earlier in the week.  I was trying to cross the street in Sheridan.  OK the town has more than one street.  I was crossing Coffeen at the very long wait by Wal Greens, Albertsons and such.  Across from me was a gal about my age, holding a sign, asking for cash.  Most of the time I do not think younger people receive many hand outs.  Because passers figure they could find a job in no time.  But being this close to Christmas people were pausing or stopping left and right to give her hand outs.  
    At the time holiday shopping was on my mind, and I am way behind.   I did not stop to ask the gals story.  It might not even have been a true story.   But now, I wish I had.   Like at many jobs, I have experienced many spectrums and sides of lifes events.  Being a dish washer at a restaurant helps you appreciate all they really do, and next time you are a server, you become much nicer to the lowly dish washer.   I have been stranded in towns many a time, and had to solely rely on others to get back home.  One long night stuck in Tacoma, WA sticks in my mind.  Our mini van zonked out on the side of the interstate.  The highway patrol bumped us down an off-ramp and we spent the night in the van, under many blankets.  The next morning, at breakfast a couple over heard our blight and basically gave up the rest of their day to help us out.  It was soon found out our van was a huge paper weight and would not be running again.   The couple drove the five of us two hours out of their way to bring us back home!   And than would not take a dime for gas money.   Good people are out there, they are just few and far in between!


    Few people know it, but I panhandled one weekend.  Although I spent a long time trying to look the part--by not shaving and such, the actual actions, were onna the lowest points in my life so far.  I was living in a different non-running van in a Wal-Mart parking lot.  The van/home was about to be towed away.  I had made some big errors all around, and had no access to my cash until the weekend was over.  I have to say the cash was great--but it is something I would never want to do again.  I am positive some people do this from town to town, endlessly wandering and mooching.   Making more than more a month than you or I do with a real job.  But most really are  down on their luck.  And really do not want to be begging for your pocket change.   With the economy still on a huge down turn, this issues will probably get worse before it gets better.  I hope you and yours never find yourself holding a sign on 5th and Main.  But stop and think next time you see that pan handler out their.   Are you really more than a missed paycheck or two from personal financial ruin?  

Bet he made bank!

      

    Some people really are panhandling cause they enjoy the cash for doing nothing.   And you may not really be able to tell if they are hard up or good at throwing B.S.  Sometimes you can tell just by the sign they are holding.   Or by how fat the dog is with them.  Most of the time you just have to be the judge and juror.    
    Have  a Merry Christmas everyone!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Groovy Places Vs Fail.com--Don't Google These

   


 Soon I am going to post about Sheridan, Wyoming's best and worse places in my point of view.  Today a quickie about some really great places I have seen in my travels.  And than five of the places I would advise others to avoid like the ghetto of the North Pole.  Were Santa's laid off elves sell crack and seldom used body parts.  


    Lets start the list off groovy places off with Sheridan, Wyoming.  The state really is God's country.  But I would strongly advice coming in the summer.  It really is a tourist town and kind of dies out and freezes  over in the winter.   Sheridan has one of the coolest down towns I have seen in a long time!   Plus it is close to Billings, Cody, and Bozeman!
    Apache Junction, AZ is just a fun place to visit.  It's in the valley but not unbelievably hot.   Plus the surrounding hills are supposed to be filled with buried gold.   Lake Havasue is very nice and touristy.  I have never been around during the spring flings and seem to think that would be a bad time to visit. 
    Seattle, WA is very high on the list.  And not just because the very first Star Bucks was opened here.  You can easily spend a weekend enjoying the sights without spending much money at all.  Plus many of the koolest sights are within walking distance of each other. 


    Viva Las Vegas is great for the occasional visit.   I do not enjoy gambling, but enjoy the city that never sleeps.    Although last time we were in the city, we had all three kids.  Not the best city for kids, even if it is advertised a family vacation mecca.   Now that the city is further away from me, I kind of miss it.   Lincoln City, OR is also awsome.  You can gamble a little bit than walk out the door and be on the beach.
    Number 2 on my favorites list is Bellingham, WA.   I will soon be a resident of the area again--time number three.   It has some of everything.  Bays, hikes, mountains, quality coffee, and Canada is right down the road, Aye!  


    Wich some how brings us to my favorite spot so far   Flagstaff, AZ.   The town just seems to be very homey.  Just driving up the mountain you get that great smell of pine trees filling your lungs, the higher you climb.   Route 66 goes through here.  And it is very close to great destinations, without being in the valley.


    I have been working on looking at the positive of everything, so will keep the Fail part of the list short.   Sheridan doesn't hit fail, but is close in the winter time.   This is something I really can not explain in words.   You just have to live it to realize it.  
    Phoenix, AZ is on the list.   The entire time we lived in Arizona, we did whatever possible to not visit the town.   Although it has some great things to offer, like the zoo.


   And a tie for my least two most un'favorite towns...... *Drum role please.    
Kingman, AZ--- When we first moved into the area we got a great bi-polar slum landlord.   Things seemed to go down hill from that point.  And I soon lovingly referred to the town as the Devils Crotch.   My sister would not visit me there for anything, because of what friends told her about the town.     And although I have meet some great people in the town---- Aberdeen, WA     I accomplished a first while living in the area by getting 86'd from a local bank and the cops called on me for trying to cash a payroll check.   It also houses the first mall I have ever seen that is going under.  Both business wise, and that it is actually sinking into the swamp it is built on.   You know that contractor is in Mexico   laughing his as* off!   I do have to say, the town has onna the best slogans around though!   See above picture.
      Any to add to either list?       Comment away.